I haven’t run in a long time. It makes me sad. It makes me a little angry. And it makes me wistful.

I posted years ago about how I had started to let myself go and got back up to 242 lbs. I had intended to try the runDisney Dopey Challenge for my 40th birthday.

It did not happen. It did not come anywhere close to happening.

I have since continued on the downward spiral that started with my mom’s cancer diagnosis back in 2018, and a couple of weeks ago I hit 270 pounds at the doctor’s office after nearly a decade of steadily gaining from the 190 I was at when she died.

I immediately started doing a little cycling and getting used to being on the bike again, and quickly realized that I just don’t like cycling. (What it may come down to is not liking my bike, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Then, this weekend, I saw that the marathon had officially been run in under 2 hours (congrats, Sawe!). By clicking into that one article from Runner’s World, the algorithm basically filled all of my social feeds with running content.

I realized how much I missed being a runner.

How Did I Let This Happen?

I did the runDisney Star Wars Dark Side Challenge in 2018. As we were driving home from Orlando, back to Alabama, I got a phone call about my mom being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.

That was really the last day I took “good” care of myself, if I’m being honest. Sure. I ran a half marathon in December 2019, but it was hard. Like almost-DNFing hard.

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, my father-in-law was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer, and during that treatment, the only thing I saw bring a smile to my mother-in-law’s face was when I brought her donuts. So I bought a lot of donuts during that period of time. I ate a lot of them, too.

After that couple of years, I didn’t care about running, and I wasn’t terribly concerned with what I ate or how much. I didn’t binge or anything, but I pretty much just started eating whatever I wanted, and I wasn’t exercising.

It happened gradually, steadily, and it was entirely preventable. I just didn’t care.

Sure, I’d lament getting fat again and being out of shape, but I wouldn’t do anything about it. Something in my brain had clicked back in 2018 that I didn’t need whatever it was that I got out of running anymore.

Where I Am Today

Well, today, for the first time in years, I actively want to be the guy I was 8 years ago.

I spent some time recently looking through all the pictures of my 2018 runDisney trip. I realized that I was truly happy on that trip. It’s honestly the last time I can think of being that happy and free.

Of just being glad to be me.

I want to get back to that feeling.

Because I don’t feel that way now. I don’t like the way I feel or the way I look. So I’m going to finally do something about it.

270 is a hard weight to run at. It’s a lot to carry. And I’m 43 now, so my body has to be taken a little better care of than it did even 8 years ago when I last really considered myself a runner.

So yesterday, I went to the doctor and restarted my phentermine prescription. I wanted the help of a GLP-1 to get started, but my insurance won’t cover it because I’m thankfully not diabetic. (Even with an on-box FDA approval for severe sleep apnea, which I have and got the script for. Lame.)

I’ve got 4 months on this prescription. That’s plenty of time before Gen Con and PAX Unplugged come around to get some of this weight off. That will make being on an exhibit hall floor all day much easier to deal with. And to be honest, it will help me not worry about my appearance as much, too.

I’m spending time on the recumbent bike, the treadmill, and going outside to walk and do running intervals already. I don’t have to miss being a runner. I just have to run again, and it’ll happen.

I didn’t make it to the Dopey for my 40th (It would have been awesome, too, because it would have been on my 40th. But oh well.) Maybe I can set it as a goal for my 45th birthday in 18 months.